Friday Night Fight: Air Force vs Army Logic

Welcome to the Holy Month of Ramadan, when terrorists fast during the day and let mortars fly around the clock – I assume this is because they are hungry and cranky. Well, that and the fact that they HATE us with an unfettered passion. Radical Islam actually dictates that if the zealots die during the month of Ramadan, they will actually be let into a better part of heaven… Like the velvet rope section or something. As a result, attacks are slightly more commonplace this month.

I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I am in some sort of immediate peril. Yes, there are mortars flying over the rail, but for the most part they are just taking pot shots at us, and have NO chance of hitting anything.  We also have a really advanced early warning system which if it detects an incoming round, it will try and ascertain (through simple trigonometry and launch analysis) where it will land, and warn the people in the area. The horn that goes off is normally quite noticeable and persists until someone decides the attack is over.

The other night I was taking a break from trying to kill myself in the gym and flying circles over Iraq and found myself in the Rec center checking email and chatting online with some friends.  I had some head phones in and was listening to some tunes, and as result, I did not hear the siren go off or the incoming call. I did, however notice when people started diving for the floor (I do have some  situational awareness), and I followed suit. It must not have been quite fast enough for a nearby Air Force Master Sergeant, who took time out of his trip to the floor to “encourage” me to move faster. His tackle form was well practiced. I felt like saying “If this Indirect Fire Attack were to hit RIGHT here, you persuading me to the floor would not save me.” But I figured it’s kind of like the safety cards on airplanes that say “calmly affix the oxygen mask to your own face before you help your neighbor with theirs,” which he obviously had never read. His Master Sergeant manual must read, “In case of an Indirect Fire Attack, get on the ground. Unless of course there is a Captain sitting nearby not moving his fat ass fast enough for you. In which case, ride him to the ground like you’re hog tying a calf at the rodeo. In this way, you’ll both be safe, or if not safe, then at least you’ll be RIGHT.”

So here I am face down on the grimy floor, pondering how many diseases might be in immediate proximity to my face, when the alarm stopped going off. Protocol states that you’re supposed to stay on the ground for a couple minutes, and then move to shelter until the “all clear” is called. I guess some people decided after the horn ceased that they should be ok to get back up and continue tweetin’ the deets (“Indirect Fire Attack! ROFL!”). The Master Sergeant noticed this and went apoplectic. I could honestly see his eye start twitching. He sat halfway up and bellowed, “DO YALL HAVE SUPER POWERS THAT KEEP YOU SAFE FROM MORTARS?!?!” (Which I thought would’ve been quite helpful, and a really cool super power I had never thought of) “GET YOUR ASSES BACK ON THE GROUND FOR TWO MORE MINUTES!!!” The recipients of the ass chewing reluctantly complied, while the Sergeant got back down as well. For the next 90 seconds, I could see his mind churning, trying to figure out how best to make sure everyone knew he was in charge. I already knew I was going to comply with whatever he came up (within reason), but when he jumped up to take charge, he ran into a road block that for once wasn’t me. It was an Army Sergeant.

The Air Force Sergeant jumps up and begins screaming at everyone in the rec. “My name is Sergeant Smith with base Security Forces. There has been an indirect fire attack in the proximity. You are all ordered to exit this building and seek shelter in the hardened bunkers. NOW MOVE!!!” I had seen some of the hardened bunkers outside by the basketball court, and I, like so many people started hurriedly packing my gear up. I didn’t think that this was the most logical decision, but I was tired and I didn’t feel like going toe to toe with this guy. Well, the Army Sergeant sitting at my table did.

Army Sergeant: “Wait, we’re going outside?!? We’re getting shot at!
Air Force Sergeant (still screaming): “Everyone is directed to move to the hardened bunker until the all clear call is made.”
Me:  (I continue packing but at a much slower rate and thinking to myself) “this could be awesome; maybe I should watch these two lock horns…”
Army Sergeant (upset that his logic doesn’t appear so logical to the Air Force Sergeant): “Seriously! We’re getting shot. I’m not going outside, that doesn’t make any sense.
Air Force Sergeant (totally losing his mind): I’M IN CHARGE HERE! EVERYONE IS MOVING TO THE HARDENED BUNKERS!!!
Me: (thinking to myself), “I was right. This is AWESOME.”
Army Sergeant (enraged): “F*$# THIS. I’m going to the coffee shop.”
Air Force Sergeant (notices I’m the only one still left in there besides him and the Army Sergeant who just walked out): “MOVE IT CAPTAIN!!!!!!!!!”
Me: (thinking to myself), “OK, maybe that was too slow…”

So I go outside and find the hardened bunker already chock full of people who are obviously enjoying so many people in their personal space. I see all of these soldiers and airmen huddled into this bunker, frightened, shaken, and maybe a little annoyed, and I see them for what they really are: an unwilling audience. I decide to screw with all twenty some-odd people in the bunker. I start out by yelling out, “Everybody listen up! This is Captain Dowd. I’m gonna go ahead and take some accountability.” Everyone groans out loud while I chuckle to myself, thinking how much fun pulling rank can be. I then ask, “By a show of hands, how many people don’t have a reflective belt on?” This elicits more groans (as normally higher ranking Sergeants are the ones griping at everyone about this, and DEFINITELY not air crew), and a few hands go up. I respond with, “Well GOOD WORK. Now we’re all dead. Everyone knows that reflective belts repel mortar attacks, and you just ruined that for everyone. Thanks A LOT.” Everyone laughed and loosened up a little bit, and shortly thereafter, the all clear call was made. No one was hurt, and I do know that the Air Force Sergeant was doing what he was trained to do, and he did it well. He might not have made any new friends, but no one can say he did not follow protocol. In no way am I saying what either guy did or said was right or wrong, I just took it for the comedic value I found in it. Hope y’all enjoy, and I’ll update again soon. Take care!

-Wellen